Thursday, October 22, 2009
A lesson in every tear
As I move through this difficult time, I still cry from time to time. I have been told that crying is healing and therapeutic. But I think the healing is in the definition of where the tears come from. Why am I crying? Well, today I cried because I felt like I have no value. And I realized that this is why I am getting divorced and fear that I will never be with someone else because of who I am. I know rationally that I have value but I was judging my value based on my marriage and my fear to open up and be with someone else. All it took was for a so called person I am interested in to blame me for how my husband's absence is partly my fault. Then and there in that moment did the tears come. He blamed me for my husband not being a father. As soon as the words flowed through his lips, he confirmed what I thought all along. I am worthless. Him saying that took me back to every disappointing relationship I ever had. All the failures, abuse, losses, guilt, shame, fear were my fault. In those tears an anger appeared and I stood up for myself today. I gave this person I was talking to some real insight and told him that no matter what has happened to the girls father, I in no way shape or form deserve the abuse, hatred and abandonment that he has left in my family. And as much as I enjoyed this person's company, today I decided he is not good enough to even be an acquaintance. Damn whispers, almost had me. The final finale' of my tears came from me knowing that I did not deserve any of what happened to me.