In theory

A lot of times we make plans to live this life a certain way and our optimism takes over. I am so grateful that God does not give me everything that I ask for. On the other hand, he gave me something that I asked for, a husband and 2 children. I had no idea what I was asking for. This marriage has been hell and I am grateful that me and my children have survived him. I never thought I could despise someone so much and wish them away from this life. All that I wanted and all that I desired and all that I needed were not parallel. And as a result I have endured all the things that lurk in the dark, in my light. It's funny how God told me not to marry him and to leave him 10 years ago. It took for him to leave me for someone else for me to let go. Only to look for him again and love the person that he was. There is where I went wrong, he wasn't the same person. He had lived a life that I had no idea about and his experiences changed him. So while I am making plans to re-live what we had, he was living the life that he had. Such darkness and hatred for himself and he took it out on everyone who loved him. He was changed. I was changed. Yet I could not let go of my plans that I had for my life. I had it all laid out how things would be. How I would fix him and love him so much that he would love me back. It all seemed like the perfect plan, in theory only.