A lesson in every tear

As I move through this difficult time, I still cry from time to time. I have been told that crying is healing and therapeutic. But I think the healing is in the definition of where the tears come from. Why am I crying? Well, today I cried because I felt like I have no value. And I realized that this is why I am getting divorced and fear that I will never be with someone else because of who I am. I know rationally that I have value but I was judging my value based on my marriage and my fear to open up and be with someone else. All it took was for a so called person I am interested in to blame me for how my husband's absence is partly my fault. Then and there in that moment did the tears come. He blamed me for my husband not being a father. As soon as the words flowed through his lips, he confirmed what I thought all along. I am worthless. Him saying that took me back to every disappointing relationship I ever had. All the failures, abuse, losses, guilt, shame, fear were my fault. In those tears an anger appeared and I stood up for myself today. I gave this person I was talking to some real insight and told him that no matter what has happened to the girls father, I in no way shape or form deserve the abuse, hatred and abandonment that he has left in my family. And as much as I enjoyed this person's company, today I decided he is not good enough to even be an acquaintance. Damn whispers, almost had me. The final finale' of my tears came from me knowing that I did not deserve any of what happened to me.

In theory

A lot of times we make plans to live this life a certain way and our optimism takes over. I am so grateful that God does not give me everything that I ask for. On the other hand, he gave me something that I asked for, a husband and 2 children. I had no idea what I was asking for. This marriage has been hell and I am grateful that me and my children have survived him. I never thought I could despise someone so much and wish them away from this life. All that I wanted and all that I desired and all that I needed were not parallel. And as a result I have endured all the things that lurk in the dark, in my light. It's funny how God told me not to marry him and to leave him 10 years ago. It took for him to leave me for someone else for me to let go. Only to look for him again and love the person that he was. There is where I went wrong, he wasn't the same person. He had lived a life that I had no idea about and his experiences changed him. So while I am making plans to re-live what we had, he was living the life that he had. Such darkness and hatred for himself and he took it out on everyone who loved him. He was changed. I was changed. Yet I could not let go of my plans that I had for my life. I had it all laid out how things would be. How I would fix him and love him so much that he would love me back. It all seemed like the perfect plan, in theory only.