Thursday, October 22, 2009

A lesson in every tear

As I move through this difficult time, I still cry from time to time. I have been told that crying is healing and therapeutic. But I think the healing is in the definition of where the tears come from. Why am I crying? Well, today I cried because I felt like I have no value. And I realized that this is why I am getting divorced and fear that I will never be with someone else because of who I am. I know rationally that I have value but I was judging my value based on my marriage and my fear to open up and be with someone else. All it took was for a so called person I am interested in to blame me for how my husband's absence is partly my fault. Then and there in that moment did the tears come. He blamed me for my husband not being a father. As soon as the words flowed through his lips, he confirmed what I thought all along. I am worthless. Him saying that took me back to every disappointing relationship I ever had. All the failures, abuse, losses, guilt, shame, fear were my fault. In those tears an anger appeared and I stood up for myself today. I gave this person I was talking to some real insight and told him that no matter what has happened to the girls father, I in no way shape or form deserve the abuse, hatred and abandonment that he has left in my family. And as much as I enjoyed this person's company, today I decided he is not good enough to even be an acquaintance. Damn whispers, almost had me. The final finale' of my tears came from me knowing that I did not deserve any of what happened to me.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

In theory

A lot of times we make plans to live this life a certain way and our optimism takes over. I am so grateful that God does not give me everything that I ask for. On the other hand, he gave me something that I asked for, a husband and 2 children. I had no idea what I was asking for. This marriage has been hell and I am grateful that me and my children have survived him. I never thought I could despise someone so much and wish them away from this life. All that I wanted and all that I desired and all that I needed were not parallel. And as a result I have endured all the things that lurk in the dark, in my light. It's funny how God told me not to marry him and to leave him 10 years ago. It took for him to leave me for someone else for me to let go. Only to look for him again and love the person that he was. There is where I went wrong, he wasn't the same person. He had lived a life that I had no idea about and his experiences changed him. So while I am making plans to re-live what we had, he was living the life that he had. Such darkness and hatred for himself and he took it out on everyone who loved him. He was changed. I was changed. Yet I could not let go of my plans that I had for my life. I had it all laid out how things would be. How I would fix him and love him so much that he would love me back. It all seemed like the perfect plan, in theory only.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Why a whisper?

When you think of a whisper, you think quiet, subtle, non-significant. But for some reason, the whispers we hear while we navigate through life seem to be a trigger for many of our actions. For years I have lived in the hands of my whisper. Listening to the lies and believing them as truths. The subtle sounds between my ears have led me into the lion's den many a day and into a pool of regret. Be careful what the whispers say to you. Better yet learn to filter what you choose to react to. Listening to what you hear and believing what you hear are 2 separate things. As I stood outside of myself and watched me spiral into a abyss of abuse, regret, and self-hatred; I was mortified that the whispers had the power to lie and deceive me. As I continue to capture and display the sounds, I hope you are able to learn from my experience. Today, I love myself a little more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. I guess we all have to start somewhere.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Looking for the truth

Greetings Blog Readers,

I am new to this thing but I am in search of the truth about me and hope that by telling you the unadulterated truth about what I say, what I do, and what the whipsers tell me that I will help myself and prevent someone from making the same mistake.

Feedback is always welcome but please do not look down on me if you don't have your hand to pull me up after you do. Other than that I am open to hear from you.